The Meeting

"Alright, good morning, everybody. Thank you all for coming. Let’s go through the agenda items for today. Item 1: Use fire to cook meat; although, personally, I don’t give a damn, but let’s move on. Item 2: No more flinging of feces; yeah, I mean, seriously people, that’s like so 10,000 B.C; can we please stop doing that now? Good. Now, item 3: Be nice to one another. What the…? ‘Be nice’? Who the hell came up with this?”

“Well, I was thinking that now - since we have survived by being the fittest and all, and established our dominance over the planet - we can quit being pricks all the time and actually be nice with each other.”

“Yeah, but being pricks...that is how...that is how we survived. That is in our nature. And what the hell does ‘nice’ even mean?”

“It basically means not being complete assholes all the time and actually caring about each other.”

“Even strangers?”
“Yeah, even strangers. I mean just smile when you see someone, you know?”

“Listen, Bob, we all value your input, but, dude, being complete assholes is our modus operandi. And if we are...what’s the word again?”

“‘Nice.’”

“Yeah, that. If we are ‘nice’ to one another, and smile - even at strangers! - other species might think that we are a bunch of pussies, and before you know it, millions of years of work would be wiped off and who knows? Even the cows might start attacking and take over. I mean, have you even thought it through, Bob?”

“I don’t even think Bob came up with it.”

“Of course I did!”
“I bet it was Debbie from H.R. You know, that hyper-sensitive, politically-correct girl who always goes on about how we shouldn’t call them cavemen, but instead ‘alternative habitat dweller’? I bet she planted the idea in Bob’s head. Bob, we all know how much you want to bang that chick after bashing her in the head with your club, and she knows it too, which is why she totally uses you push through these weird ideas.”

“No she doesn’t!”

“She totally does, bro.”

“Alright! Enough! Regardless of who came with the idea, it’s on the table. So, should we, or should we not, be ‘nice’ to one another? I, for one, would vote for it only if there is a compelling reason for me to do so.”

“Well, Bob…?”

“You know, how we please the gods and they give us rain and stuff in return?”
“Yeah, so?”

“So, I was thinking, if we treat each other in the same way, maybe we can get more stuff.”

“Bob, I can’t give you rain.”
“No, but you can help me set up my hut.”
“And why would I do that again?”
“Cause I just treated you like a god?”
“Hmm…”
“See? All about getting more stuff. Also, if we are nice to one another there would be a greater incentive for us, not only to refrain from bashing each other’s brains out, but to look after one another.”

“That...I must say...that kinda makes sense.”
“What?! I can’t believe you are even entertaining the idea. Clearly, Bob is only doing this to impress Debbie, but what are we going to get out of this?!”
“More stuff? Greater security? Those are all good things to get in return of just a smile.”

“But it’s against our nature! We are assholes by design!”
“Yeah, but we can always adapt, and this gives us a clear advantage. I move to approve the idea of being ‘nice.’”
“So do I.”

“Me too.”

“Aye.”

“Count me in.”
“This is absolute bullshit!”
“Ok, so motion adopted. From here on out, we are going to be nice to one another; even when we think that the person we are being nice to is a total dick and feel like beating him or her to death, we are going to repress our thoughts and still be nice. Good thinking, Bob.”
“Thanks.”

“Now, item 4: ‘Cavemen’ or ‘Alternative habitat dwellers’?”

“Fuck.”

-- Rafi Omar